


7 Stages of Grief

by Ppcat



Category: Carmilla - Fandom
Genre: A whole lot of angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-26
Updated: 2015-01-26
Packaged: 2018-03-09 04:41:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3236597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ppcat/pseuds/Ppcat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ten months after their break-up, Carmilla's life is a mess, more than ever. Her Mother disowned her and left her with nothing but the things in her closet. She numbs her pain with women. But does that really help when all she sees is Laura? </p><p>A second chance. When she gets a call, she know exactly what to do this time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	7 Stages of Grief

**Author's Note:**

> Hey Creampuffs! First off, forgive my grammar or my English. It's not exactly my first language and I currently don't have a beta. This is also my first Carmilla/HollStein fanfic and I'm no writer so bear with me.

**March 15, 2014**

**Paris, France**

Taking another swig from the bottle in my hand I steady myself with one hand on the railing. I jeer at my own state. I finally feel the alcohol kick in. After what? Four, five bottles of the strongest ones I can pilfer from the bar I work in. I glance back, my eyes easily adjusting to the darkness. I can see the rise and fall of her chest, her dirty blonde hair covering half of her face. I follow the length of her bare leg, to which an arm is draped. Another blonde sleeping peacefully.

Yes, I admit. I've tried to forget her, replace her. But how is it possible to replace someone who has almost literally engraved her name on your heart? How can you forget someone when everywhere you look, it's her that you see? How can you forget someone when her face is burned in your memory? How the hell do you forget about someone you have been and forever will be in love with?

“You are ridiculous, Karnstein.” I mutter, taking one huge gulp after another until I drain the entire bottle of it's content.

“Hopeless.” I laugh. “Miserable.”

I let the bottle fall from my hand and it shatters on the marble floor, sending shards of glass flying all over my bare feet. I am suddenly worried about the two girls in my bed. Worried that they might wake up and see me in this state. _Are you okay, sweetie? What's wrong? Let us ease you misery, you poor thing._ Humans. I hate how they care too much. I dont need it. I don't deserve it. They don't even stir. Of course they wont. After all that – I groan and cover my face with my hands and sit on the cold, marble floor. The glass cutting through the bare skin on my legs felt dull. I felt like crying, but I've never cried in over three centuries. I never will. Not by choice however.

It's been 10 months, 12 days, 14 hours 3 minutes, 2 and half a quarter of a second since that day. And I fucked my life up. Mother disowned me, so I was left to fend for my own. I’ve barely saved anything and the estates I own, well, Mother managed to take it all away. So here I am, working at a bar. A place I surprisingly hate. And a job I swore I would not even dream of having.

**10 months, 12 days, 14 hours 3 minutes, 2 and half a quarter of a second ago. Silas University.**

_“You what?”_

_“I'm sorry Laura, but you're just not enough. I need… More.”_

_“More?” She is quiet. “What did I do? What does she have that I don't, Carm? Have I not done enough?”_

_I could only shake my head. Honestly, I don’t know why I did what I did. Laura did not deserve it. And the entire time I was doing it, I always think how I would never hurt her. But I still did. And I know I would regret it for the rest of my immortal life._

_“Laur-“_

_“No. No, Carm we can work this out.” She says. “We can fix this. Just… Let's give us another chance. Give me another chance. We can make it right.”_

_I shake my head. Why? Why is she the one begging for a second chance when this is my fault? I fucked up. Not her. This is why I feel like I don't deserve her. This is the reason why I shouldn't stay. She deserves someone who doesn't give her hell. She deserves heaven. And that, is far from who I am._

_“Why? Carm, why? Just stay, please.” She begs and it breaks my heart. She begs and I can't walk away. “Please Carm, please! I can't live without you. I can't go on. Not without you.”_

_I grab her and pull her to me. My arms wrap around her. Tight. Reassuring._

_“I'm here, Cupcake. I'm here.” I say as I kiss her forehead. She lifts her head up and faces me._

_“Kiss me.” She says, almost in a whisper. I oblige, but I kiss her hastily. Tasting the salty tears on her lips._

_“No.” She says. “Kiss me like you used to.”_

_I nod. I kiss her, she opens her lips and I run my tongue along hers. I will miss this. I thought, as my heart clenches, for the first time centuries. My tears would have been there if I could cry._

_I stayed for a while. I knew I hurt her too much that when she begged that I stay. So I stayed, but I knew I was just delaying the inevitable._

_Pretty soon she was too busy. She'd be out with LaFontaine and Perry. Or she'd invite them over but the would ignore me completely. Like I'm a ghost, invisible. Or she'd be going out on a date with Danny. Sometimes going home late. Or not at all. I'd text her out of concern of course. Denying the fact that I always felt the pang of jealousy. I’d try to convince myself it's just my bruised ego and not my jealousy. But who am I kidding? The first night she was out with Danny, I texted her when it was almost midnight. I told her that her dad called and asked if I knew where she was. So I had an excuse to text her. She texted back with a short “I'm at a friend’s house. Be back soon.” She was back past 2am._

_The next few days, she never came back at all. And When she did, there were red marks on her neck. I had to storm out of the dorm room and go on a rampage, chasing a mountain lion in the woods at the back of the campus. I chased it until it was worn out. Then I ripped it apart, flesh and bone. My anger never dissipating even after I had consumed it. It got worse the next few weeks. She would never talk to me. She'd be talking for hours with Danny on the phone and I'd be there, hearing every bit of detail of their sexual escapades. So again, I'd go find another mountain lion to rip apart._

* * *

 

_“You know what, fuck you, Carmilla! We'd never be friends after what you did! Did you really think I’d be okay?” She was holding back her anger but I can feel it. There in the middle of the diner. The people sitting beside us were looking. And Laura didn't care. She was angry. And I've never seen her that angry. “Maybe it's your guilt. It's finally getting through you!”_

_“Maybe it is. Because I still…” I lowered my voice. “I still love you.”_

_“But it's never enough is it? It's never enough for you to stay with me.” She huffed. I was angry at myself._

_My own pride eating at me. So instead of saying I'm sorry, I slammed my fists on the table and bolted out, leaving her without even looking back._

 

* * *

 

_It was a two weeks before our anniversary. She had gone with Danny and the gang to the beach. She had reluctantly, and possibly just to be civil, asked me if I wanted to come with. I refused. I knew the whole time she'd be all over Danny. The gang hates me and I'd be ignored anyway. So I chose to stay. It was when the door closed that I realized I wasn’t welcome anymore._

_So I packed my bags and left her a note and inserted it on her journal. The only letter I've ever wrote to her over the past three and a half years. She had begged me to write her a letter. A confession of my undying love. Or even just a sweet little note. But I never got around to write her one. And when I finally did, it was to say goodbye._

_Dear Laura,_

_Words cannot even begin to describe how terribly sorry I am for what I did. I don't deserve you. I will never deserve you. You deserve to be happy, with the person who will give you everything. With the person who would never hurt you. I hope someday, you'll find it in your heart to forgive me._

_I still do love you_

_-C_

_I took one last look at that dorm room. My home. And leaving my heart there, I left._

 

* * *

  

The buzzing of the vibrating phone that lay on the table startled me. I hastily retrieved it and looked at the screen. I frown. An unknown number. I groan and ignore it, placing it back on the table face down. As it buzzed again I pick the phone up and answer it.

“Who the fuck is this and you have five seconds to explain why you're calling me and it better be a matter of life and death and even then I won't give a fuck who dies, I'm not interested.” I snap.

“Carmilla?”

“Oh thanks for stating the obvious, genius. Yes this is Carmilla and you're wasting my precious time. Goodbye.”

“Carmilla wait don't hang up! It's LaFontaine.”

“What can you possibly want with me at this hour Ginger 1?”

“I-it’s Laura, Carm, she’s…”

No. I felt cold. Colder than I was, even as a vampire. My fingers wrapped tightly around the phone that I could hear the plastic creak like it was about to break.

“She's… She's dying.”

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know how long I will continue this. Depends on the feedback I guess. So leave a comment when you can. A kudos would be nice. But comments are more appreciated. Let me know what you think. Thanks!


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